How long can you wait? Before making a decision you always knew you should take, but waited in inaction for things to change.
How many years will go by? Living and disliking your life, ashamed and guilty.
How much punishment can you take? Or will you wait for it to break you? Force you to life-preserving action? Hoping your instinct will kick in, and raise you from your numb slumber?
What if it never breaks? What if you find ways to cope with the pain? Perhaps your flexible or tolerant? Confused or insecure? But what if you find a way to live with yourself this way? Prone to sporadic destructive binges, your insides squirming to break this reality in random bursts.
What if you “keeping it in” or “together” for so long, the subterfuge becomes more familiar to you than your original self? what now feels strange and foreign? What if all you remember is “keeping it in” and now “it” is a vague notion you no longer understand?
What if you’ve been doing it for so long, that it has deep and resistant roots?
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?
It certainly feels this way at times.
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