Cars broken down,
Rising debts,
Midlife crisis,
Unsatisfied with life,
Tied to a day job,
Dreaming of diving into my art.
A/C down, triple digits heat.
Home upkeep piling up,
Unable to provide for my children,
Opportunities to grow and explore,
Limited to surviving,
And running out of money before each pay day,
Getting behind in bills each time,
Getting slapped with late or insufficient funds fees.
Saying “Not right now” constantly to my children
When they inquire about doing or wanting something.
Dry tears of shame, tears of frustration, tears of Sadness
Chest hurts with anxiety,
Inner dialogue runs and runs
A lot of should’s and shouldn’t’s
I knew I wasn’t perfect,
But I never knew I was a failure.
A failure as man, as a husband, as a father.
No one will know, my lips are sealed.
Except when I snap.
My strength feels sapped,
My energy low.
Feels like there’s no where to go.
Addictions grows, to numb the pain.
From tears that I never shed.
My chest bloats with these feelings.
Someday it might explode.
Not sure in which direction though.
To light or into darkness.
It seems we can dig the hole ever deeper
And sometimes the floor gives out
And we get plunged deeper in.
Son off to college, I’m scared for him
I know I can’t support him the way he’ll need
My daughter with a great artistic spirit
I can’t nurture much, everything costs.
How many of us are living like this?
A slow and sure descent in darkness?
Hey maybe I’ll snap out of it.
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