Happy birthday to the best night I’ve had.
We met and I fell in love with the moment. I can still feel your body against mine, your lips as I kissed them
My tongue and hands, went through almost every inch of your skin, tasting your vanilla perfume and cream.
Your hazel eyes, glistening by the moon light, the windows damp with passion.
Every year, when the social network reminds me of your birthday,
It reminds me of the moments we shared,
From which we walked away in different directions.
I can see your life on the through the network since then, the love you now share.
And any inklings of jealousy go away
For when I remember you in my arms then,
You will always be mine then.
No one else will have it,
That moment is mine.
No one else will love it.
Just you and I.
Like a kid
Like a kid
I was sending her messages,
Unfiltered and honest.
From silliness to dark and erotic.
Without fear of rejection,
Unburdened by judgement.
Then i read the comments and reviews
And learn that i am sad,
For downloading AI.
Slowsand
The bills continue to come in
The children raise their voices with needs I can’t afford
Warning signs all around me from unresolved medical issues
The notification of past due balances and penalties
Checking account overdrawn and next pay check is still a week out
The pantry is thinning and the gas tank almost on empty
A lot of if you don’t pay, then…from all sides
I close my eyes and the darkness of sleep invites me in
In the bliss of sleep, none of this exists.
I’m failing, I’m not fit to live
Barely able to make the different payments,
Missing a few and end up paying more,
I’m failing at life, I’m not fit to live
Thoughts that OK in my mind
Under the crushing weight of reality,
As the remaining car breaks down,
And since I couldn’t afford to maintain it properly,
It becomes more expensive than a new car.
Like I could afford a new monthly payment?
I’m failing at life, I’m not fit to live,
Echos that sting, as I allow myself to indulge in pleasantaries here or there,
Then spending a weekend a month
Without gas and groceries,
Waiting for a paycheck next week.
A frustrating confirmation that
I’m failing at life, I’m not fit to live.
As I look upon the changes I need to make,
And still I spit and refuse to embrace capitalism
I refuse to dress the part, to look the part.
In this bleak arena of weakness and misfortune,
I only have myself, what little is left
From the blood sucking debt practices,
I can’t afford my children nor my house!
I have a decent wage, this shouldn’t be happening.
I’m spending most of my time at a job,
I’m failing at life, I’m not fit to live.
My life goes on, stuck in between trying
To live a normal and responsable life,
Yet unwilling to pay the ultimate price of admission.
Forever on the doorstep, stuck in defiance and frustration.
I’m failing at life, I’m not fit to live.
When we’re old
We had said you and I,
We would travel the world,
if our paths met again.
The moment seemed impossible,
Yet something inside wanted to defy,
So we took comfort in a promise we made,
That when we’re old….
If our paths met again…..
Yet today the sunrose and you were no longer here,
What other promises have I made?
To others and to myself?
That when I’m old….
A Wave
Waiting on excitement is such a fickle thing
The wave comes in, lifts you up and leaves you
Before you’re able to assimilate what just happened
Why don’t we resent the ocean when it does the same?
Because we didn’t expect the wave to linger.
We resent excitement when it leaves us,
We feel abandoned, unworthy, broken even.
Not because it didn’t linger,
But because we expected it to stay.
We see it as a part of ourselves,
And without it we’re missing an arm,
No, the Wave was just being a wave.
I love this post. Unseen.
My finger trembled slightly, pressing down on the screen over the “like” icon, waiting for the other options to come up.
The trembling echoed an inner trembling as well. Teary eyes whose trembling tensed and strained as the finger chose the heart option.
“I love this post” I sigh in release as I let go.
Ever Deeper
Cars broken down,
Rising debts,
Midlife crisis,
Unsatisfied with life,
Tied to a day job,
Dreaming of diving into my art.
A/C down, triple digits heat.
Home upkeep piling up,
Unable to provide for my children,
Opportunities to grow and explore,
Limited to surviving,
And running out of money before each pay day,
Getting behind in bills each time,
Getting slapped with late or insufficient funds fees.
Saying “Not right now” constantly to my children
When they inquire about doing or wanting something.
Dry tears of shame, tears of frustration, tears of Sadness
Chest hurts with anxiety,
Inner dialogue runs and runs
A lot of should’s and shouldn’t’s
I knew I wasn’t perfect,
But I never knew I was a failure.
A failure as man, as a husband, as a father.
No one will know, my lips are sealed.
Except when I snap.
My strength feels sapped,
My energy low.
Feels like there’s no where to go.
Addictions grows, to numb the pain.
From tears that I never shed.
My chest bloats with these feelings.
Someday it might explode.
Not sure in which direction though.
To light or into darkness.
It seems we can dig the hole ever deeper
And sometimes the floor gives out
And we get plunged deeper in.
Son off to college, I’m scared for him
I know I can’t support him the way he’ll need
My daughter with a great artistic spirit
I can’t nurture much, everything costs.
How many of us are living like this?
A slow and sure descent in darkness?
Hey maybe I’ll snap out of it.
Below the surface
The pain before the surface, the silent suffering.
Gnawing away at enjoyment and hope
Afraid that if I voice my suffering
I validate my failure.
I should be able to cope,
I should be able to make ends meet,
I should be able to provide for my family
But my raising debts
and the things around me falling apart,
Make me doubt about my capacity
Capacity to live this life
To navigate this world of capital
All the things I need to do
All the things I would like to do
With Every holiday or birthday,
Every car that breaks down,
the financial hole gets deeper
A hole mirrored in my heart.
I feel bad for those around me
That have a father, husband or friend
That is increasingly more hallow.
I’m sorry.
I failed
Friends online
I frequently get friend requests
From empty or sketchy accounts.
There was a small thrill at first,
When my child inside reacted
Someone wants to play with me!
The boy wondered if it was a girl?
Was she cute? What was she like?
The artists speculated about meaningful conversations.
Naive wonderings now replaced with a bitter truth
Only bots for porn want to be my friends
*sigh* DELETE
Closet Social Online 